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CAREERS IN CINEMA!
Despite how much fun movies are to watch, the boredom of being on set “working” rivals that of war or cattle driving or elementary school. There is nothing to do. Most time is spent smoking and reading magazines. Plus the professionals are more carney-like than you want to know. Because of this there is an incredible wealth of esoteric names given to normal, boring-as-fuck jobs, bestowing upon them an undeserved patina of mystery and exotic glamor. Here are a few of them: First Assistant Director – Provides maximally smoothed order on the set. Shouts Quiet, yells. Is the bad cop, the hammer. Holds a clipboard and has a Bluetooth earpiece enabled walkie-talkie. Second Assistant Director – Makes up the daily call sheet and production schedule. Says when you need to show up. Dickish. Second Assistant Director '''(Yes, not Third Assistant, but another Second.) – Interfaces with actors, providing quality control on makeup and costumes before new scenes. Summons people. Limpwristed and apologetic. '''Best Boy – Department heads of groups like grips, gaffers, etc, with easily the most insulting professional name period, considering they're usually the senior-most blue collar workers on the set. Director '''– Munificent grandfatherly figure who only worries about creative decisions and has never considered what the words “budget” and “Legal Impossibility” mean. Smokes cigarettes with the crew. Is the only one with any sense of Vision as a creative concept rather than a mechanical job function. Will be the only one who gets axed by the industry if this film flops. '''Screenwriter – Who cares? Fuckin' nobody, that's who. Go home and drink in bed, you dweeb. Star – Effete, self-important douche who is paid 100x more than anyone doing anything else for any reason. Fragile. Stand In – A person identical in physical appearance and acting ability to their corresponding star who will never use their hard-earned S.A.G. Card for anything more glamorous than work as an extra in mayonnaise commercials. They would easily make more money as a professional lookalike, taking picture with tourists for tips in from of the Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard, but are stupidly proud and still want to believe they have a chance at stardom, like every other dickhead in L.A. Stunt Person '''– Basically an injury whore, more or less, but unlike Stand Ins, they actually get to be on camera, even if no one in the audience can tell it's them by the time the special effects and editing have been completed. '''Grip – Human walruses with a strange sort of brilliance. They move things. Smoke a bit of weed. Never give a straight answer about anything. The only crew members who carry no communication devices. Stedi-Cam Operator – Wears a pith helmet and is possessive and defensive about a machine that does all of their work for them. They neither decide when, how, or why they take the shots they do. So, really, their job is pretty much just carrying objects. Production Assistant '''– They fetch things, mostly coffee, and still yet think their 150,000 dollars worth of Film School tuition debt was a good investment. '''Gaffer – They gaff. Line Producer – A republican bean counter with no compassion at all, swearing a Samurai-like suicide oath for the picture to come in on time and under budget. If he were born across the Atlantic 80 years earlier he'd have been running a death camp and trying to set records at it. Unit Publicist – The baby boomer equivalent of Millennial job seekers getting work as “Social Media Experts” and somehow making that into a long term career. They make those shitty 22 minute long “The Making Of” documentaries, and can be seen talking endlessly on their phones when they aren't taking video on devices that cost 1/16th as much as the real cameras but get relatively similar footage quality. Insurance Underwriter '''– He says “no.” Utterly humorless. Has been wearing brown suits since the Reagan administration. Probably clacks his teeth and owns ferrets. '''D.P. (Director of Photography) & Cinematographer – The D.P., along with the Cinematographer (which is like a D.P. that thinks of himself as an artist but doesn't do the D.P.'s work of verbally telling camera men where to point they boxes they're holding), does 99% of what the average movie-goer erroneously believes to be the primary responsibilities of a Director, and therefore their work results in praise or blame for the Director. Together they receive little acclaim and this results in zero accountability for the D.P. and a separate Oscar category for Cinematographers. Good fuckin' job guys, you told someone else to film it just like it was decided by committee to be filmed like when we made storyboards six months ago. Don't worry about it after it's in the can either - someone else will watch and edit that shit for you, add sound and overdubbing and special effects and whatnot. So glad we hired both of you.